News of Wales - Issue 1
October 2005
An insider’s time travellers survival guide to NHS Wales
So, you have just got out of the Tardis and arrived on planet Wales as a consultant. Here is a quick briefing to reduce your chances of being identified as an alien, getting vaporised and being fed to the sheep in your first few days.
Wales – Population 3 million, one man to every four sheep. Inhabitants enjoy running around after an oval ball and either rejoice or sink into deep depression depending on their ability to get the oval ball into the territory of their big bad neighbour England. Welshmen tend to be a bit small but make up for it by being very fierce and strong and after drinking even small quantities of the brown liquid they call `cwrw’ sing marvellous tunes in harmony in a strange ancient tongue that makes even their big bad English neighbours start crying and dropping the oval ball in the wrong place.
You will start work in a hospital in the “National Health Service” which originated in Wales, got spread to the whole of the British Isles by a very fast talking famous Welshman called Nye, but now sadly only survives in the land of the mountainous Celts. England has been taken over by dangerous market forces which at this very moment are threatening to sweep over the border. The Welsh have hired an Irishman, the great chief Brian O’Gibbons to help them pour clear red water into a large ditch made by an even older geezer called Offa.
Your hospital will be populated by lots of kindly people but beware one tribe who can sometimes be dangerous. They are called “managers” and can be identified by their smart suits, clip boards and tendency to stare at computer screens with lots of sums on them. Your manager will try and encourage you to play the game of adding up sums called “budgets”. The rules say if you go “overspent” you will be cast into the outer darkness. Do not be deceived. Going “overspent” just a bit just means you will get some more beans to keep playing “budgets” so desperate are your management friends to keep you playing. Of course if managers go overspent they have to visit a fairy queen in Cardiff who says all sorts of horrible things to them and they come back very grumpy but usually with a few more beans.
The other game “managers” often play is called “waiting lists”. Traditionally this is played a lot from January to March when big chief Brian O’Gibbons has to pretend he is keeping up with the dangerous market forces in England which of course is impossible. The game goes like this. There will be a huge pile of numbers called “long waiters”. Your manager will try to get this number to zero by April or he has to go and see the fairy queen in Cardiff who will be even more nasty than usual. It is the one time of the year when your manager becomes a Prince Charming. He will smile at you, tell you that he thinks your pile of numbers is too high and beg you to take the numbers off the pile. This is your only opportunity in the year to earn lots of beans, get given a whole set of new tools and anything else you can think of. Magic words like “slippage” will suddenly ensure even more new gizmos to last you ‘till next year. Be aware that when the clock strikes on 1 April your manager will change back into a frog who will insist on playing the budget game again and tell you that the fairy queen in Cardiff has given all the beans to another part of Wales.
Of course, you might like to play other games like “quality”. Managers seem to fall asleep when this game is being played and seem reluctant to put any beans into the kitty. The only way to wake them up is to use the magic word “publicity” and then they will play for a little but complain that you are cheating and get even more ratty than usual.
The last game you will have to play is called “paperwork”. Managers are great at this game and always win. They can produce more and more paperwork at the drop of a hat and use all sorts of odd code words to try and throw you off the scent. Here are one or two of them to get you started.
“Level playing field/balanced scorecard” = We win, you are stuffed.
“Seamless, world class service” = You have a better chance of winning the lottery than seeing this happen.
“Our staff are our greatest asset” = Car parking charges are about to be introduced.
“Efficiency savings” = Your secretary has just been redeployed.
That’s enough! (Ed.) So good luck and remember to stop for lunch and compare game strategies with your fellow consultants. The older ones usually know all the best dodges. Just remember – none of the games matter: the Tardis will be fixed soon – next stop Baghdad.
Croeso i Gymru